Those words rang in my ears and throughout Memorial Stadium in Boise Idaho last night. The 3,500 fans in attendance found the one true way to get under the skin of the King was to chant “Boise Hawks” every time I walked by. The only place I could find peace was under the stadium in my locker room.

That peace was short-lived since when I was gone their mascot “Humphrey” was leading cheers and chants at every break.

“Boise Hawks…Boise Hawks…Boise Hawks….”

How is royalty supposed to concentrate when every where I go in the stands I hear “Boise Hawks…Boise Hawks…Boise Hawks….”

How can my team the Yakima Bears possibly concentrate when 3,500 fans are screaming “Boise Hawks…Boise Hawks…Boise Hawks….”

I’d like to tell you more about the night in Boise, but how am I to concentrate when all I hear is “Boise Hawks…Boise Hawks…Boise Hawks….”

Until next time Boise…. SHUT UP!

“Boise Hawks…Boise Hawks…Boise Hawks….”

Rocky is the pathetic excuse for a mascot for the Portland Rockies…and for you simpletons reading this, Eddie the Eagle is the infamous English Olympic ski jumping legend/buffoon.

On Wednesday night I had that chance. The King reappeared in sports in the Puddle City, Portland Oregon.

I had big money on a rain-out and was shocked when the game actually began on time. When the time came for the King to address the crowd my team already had a healthy lead…which we held for the duration of the game.

I would love to be the very first to tell you that everyone in the Kingdom went home smiling that night. However, in the game with-in the game the most innovative act in sports was bested by that idiotic raccoon.

First of all, what a raccoon has to do with the Portland Rockies, I may never know. Secondly, just who coached that idiot is a bigger mystery. I suspect that Jack Cain (Rockies owner) played that behind the scenes role and I am looking into it. Being outsmarted by would-be road kill is out of the question, but being blindsided by one of baseball’s most respected owners is not.

The King was a loser on this fateful night, but add the Rockies and Rockies fans on my royal short list of people who the King likes the least.

And Jack Cain, you may how outsmarted me with your valorous effort this time, but it’s never happened twice.

–The King

Last night I silenced the critics, the Royal Rogue is no longer a winter sport phenom. In addition to basketball and hockey, I have now taken over minor league baseball, at least in Albuquerque New Mexico.

Now granted, I deserve to debut in a better town that ABQ (I am tired of spelling that long and awkward name, so from here forth I decree that it will be called ABQ). But that is where I was stuck. So I made the best of it.

My team, the fabulous Tacoma Rainers, swept the feeble ABQ Dukes and started off a championship run with the King at the helm.

I was told baseball fans would be nonplused by the King’s presence, but that proved to be false since the arrival of the royal rogue caused a brouhaha in the stands.

Although the fans tried to support their team to victory, the greatness of the Rainers reigned. The King proved that the Rainers reigned supreme on that night in ABQ. The only blemish on the weekend is that I was not able to bask in the glory of the sweep. The Duke (ABQ’s mascot) made the mistake of crossing the King. Before the sweep was completed the Duke had me forcibly removed from the stadium.

Two mistakes here: 1. Laying a hand on the King, and 2. Stealing joy of victory from the royal rogue.

The Duke may have endeared himself to the fans and been the hero on April 10th, but he will pay dearly next time he faces the King.

–The King

If I had my choice the fans in Rockford would have gone home with nothing but bitter memories and the sour taste of arena food in their mouths. Unfortunately I did not have my choice in the matter.

The fans still went home happy because their beloved mascot Freddie Flash manhandled the royal rogue. After I saw that my team had the game in hand I unwisely let my guard down. It was in my moment of celebration when the Lightning bug caught me by surprise. And believe the King when I tell you that he could only get the better of me when I am not expecting it. I would considering pressing charges, but I’d rather get another shot at that sniveling rainbow colored thing.

So it was a mixed bag in Rockford, I go happy with a win…and the fans in Rockford go home happy, with a loss. As for you Freddie, the King guarantees you a clean sweep next time we meet.

–The King

Last night in Salt Lake City, the Jazz faithful had a sneak preview of that atmosphere thanks in part to the King of Sports. For the fourth time in four years I graced the Delta Center in order to support the greatest team in the NBA, my Sacramento Kings.

So on a Thursday night in Utah, the passion of the playoffs was alive. And for the first time all year the Jazz faithful had the opportunity to watch an entertaining mascot, see an electrifying point guard and witness the play of the NBA’s best powerful, cause the King, White Chocolate and Chris Weber were in town.

Passion, intensity and electricity in the Delta Center. The only thing different from Thursday in Salt Lake and the 2000 NBA Playoffs….the Jazz won. I have the feeling I’ll be back.

The road to the championship I so richly deserve inexplicably goes through Salt Lake.

-The King

I thought that I would slide the Bear a little money on the side to stay out of my hair. From all reports that is how business is done in Salt Lake City. The Bear wasn’t bright enough to be on the take and ruined my visit once again.

This visit proved to upsetting for yours truly in more ways than one. Other than the Bear breaking his word, I was treated rudely by the passionless Jazz fans, and my Kings lost in overtime.

The road to the championship goes through my house, so the Jazz and the Bear will have to deal with the Royal Rogue again very soon. And rest assured, I will be ready.

–The King

This was my second trip to Yakima this season, the first ended in a shocking loss to the supposed Sun “Kings” in November. I vowed to make this trip different.

First and foremost, a win for my beloved team was in order. And second, their Johnny-come-lately mascot “Dribble” would be humiliated by the King this time. I would settle for nothing less.

Based on my memorable previous performance in Yakima, the fans knew who I was and what I was doing in Yakima. They responded with unabashed obnoxious behavior towards me and my team. They also showed a devotion to their team that bordered on the preposterous…cheering for nearly any ordinary play.

I also found the phrase “parental-control” means nothing to the locals, as kids of all ages pestered and poked at Royalty all night long. Not only was I agitated by the ridiculous lack of security, but the hapless Sun Kings played the game of their lives and beat my royal squad for all 7 quarter points.

In the fourth quarter I would have cheered my team back to victory, but in a most flagrant violations of my rights I was detained by building security for the final minutes of the game. This detention was to the delight of the local fans, but it will only add fuel to my fire when I return next time to extract my revenge on the Yakima Sun Kings and it’s fans.

–The King

I found Quad Citians to be rude and abusive. The fans were loud and active, much unlike the scouting report I had read. My team lost the game, and six quarter points despite playing against a depleted Thunder roster.

I also found that most Quad City Thunder fans spend more money on ‘silly string’ than they do personal grooming products, as I was pelted with the slimy slop all night long.

I also wanted to express my thanks to Dwyer and Michaels at Q106.5 FM. These two gentlemen, both with faces made for radio, were kind enough to allow the King to address the people of the Quad Farms on their morning show.

For 30 minutes I tried, in vain, to spread the word about the greatest team in the CBA. The local stubborn fan-base didn’t budge as I presented the facts. I admire their resolve, yet pity their foolish devotion to their pathetic squad.

The King will return, and I will get the last laugh…I always do.

–The King

Of all the CBA towns, I think trips to Fort Wayne are my least favorite. Fort Wayne was shocked when I took over the Memorial Coliseum, which amused me to no end.

I was clear when I informed them that they were some of the quietest fans in all of sports. Minutes after my initial speech the 3,500 local fans were hell-bent to make a liar out of the King. I then watched my team start to fade on the scoreboard. Much to my dismay the Fury won the game and sent me back to the Palace without a victory.

I still consider Fort Wayne to be some of the most feeble fans in the CBA, so I will be back to further prove my claims. Even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while….